Dear Little Cub

Judah,

When I found out I was pregnant with you, I was home alone and shocked. I had bought the test as a “just in case” or “just to ease my mind.” I had only started feeling weird that morning after all. So along with the rotisserie chicken and sweet potatoes I had bought for dinner (pretty standard around here, you’ll get used to it), I purchased the test and drove home.

I wasn’t expecting you for so many reasons that I will spare you of. Only 3 weeks before, I had wept so hard in your dad’s arms because I had convinced myself you were on the way, only to find out we’d have to wait a little longer. This was the month that it finally broke me. All along I trusted God’s timing, but so desperately wanted it to happen.

One day, Son, you will experience this. You will know what it feels like to battle between your flesh and the heavenly, knowing full well that God is sovereign and his timing is perfect, but also wanting something so bad that you have to remind yourself of God’s faithfulness nearly every minute. My heart was aching but my soul was trusting. It’s a beautifully broken place to be. Divinely, we had our hearts broken on Good Friday. The day we celebrate and remember the sacrifice our Savior made for us – and even though it seemed like all hope was lost, ALL hope had actually come.

This was just the beginning of the moments that Jesus would start to show us how beloved we are, that He sees us, that we can turn our eyes heavenward and see glory.

We decided together, your dad and I,  that we would battle the pain with worship. That’s what we do in our family. We use worship as a weapon, knowing sometimes the words that others have so divinely written can speak our souls’ desires. We made playlists filled with songs about miracles and trusting Jesus. We attached ourselves to one song in particular – Seasons by Hillsong. “For your promise is loyal, from seed to Sequoia.” I changed my phone background to an image of a sequoia tree. (That’s why you have an image of a sequoia tree in your room, in case you were wondering.) I believed the words of the song so deeply, believed that my season would come. You see, I had known I wanted to be your mama since I was a little girl. Something in me always knew that this was one of the callings that God had placed on my life, to be a mother.

Then, there you were. Well, more accurately, there were two lines on a test. So unexpectedly, so faint at first. But that was Jesus, again. Letting us know, so gently and with so much kindness, that He knew what he was doing. I think the surprise was the beginning of our pregnancy journey where we would find out just how in control Jesus is and how surrendered we must be. I honestly believe it was the kindest, most intentional thing that Jesus could have done for me – surprising me with you. I needed reminding that all of this – you – is for His glory alone.

I can’t wait to tell you more.

I love you,

Mama