awareness in prayer

I’ve been on a campaign lately to be more aware of everything: my own heart, the hearts of those around me, my fears and doubts, so that the enemy may not get a foothold in any of those areas. One area of awareness I needed to focus on was my prayers. I started listening to myself, because I think that I will tell God things that I don’t tell myself. Like He keeps the secrets I didn’t even know I had. My prayers have all started with a breath, a deep inhale and exhale, to acknowledge the fact that I get to stand before God with my petitions, intercessions, hopes and dreams and fears. That breath is the acknowledgement of all that is Holy and Good and Perfect, as I prepare my heart for the opportunity to talk to my creator. It’s what followed that breath, before any intercession or petition, that got me so interested in myself –

“Jesus, I give you all of me.” or “Everything I have is yours.” or “I give it all to you.”

I noticed myself doing this every time I prayed. Why does my soul feel the need to cry that out? What am I not clued into about myself? What does my heart desperately need of Jesus that my mind or flesh doesn’t know about? Why is the Holy Spirit using that to cry out from my inmost being?

Because I haven’t given Jesus everything…

It’s easy for me to give Jesus the conceptual things: my salvation, my dreams, my future, my passions, my calling, my vision. All of these things I feel that I have very little control over anyway, I can give away so easily. But what about the things I do have control over? What is the reality of giving everything to Jesus?

If I really wanted to give Jesus everything, I would have to give Him

my attitude

my relationships

my money

my marriage

my plans

my glory

I would have to give Him the times that I feel righteously indignant, and want to play the victim. I would have to give Him the times when I feel like I am right and everyone else is wrong. I would have to give Him the times that I am frustrated and stressed and take it out on those around me. I would have to give Him my opinions of things that I don’t understand and therefore don’t like. I would have to give Him the times when I mess up and don’t want to admit that I am wrong. I would have to give Him my attitude, good and bad.

I would have to give Him the times of FOMO and jealousy. I would have to give Him the moments of comparison and self-doubt. I would have to give Him the times when I would much rather stay in and watch Netflix than go out and have an intentional conversation. I would have to give Him the times when I have to be the first to reach out, and create a space of trust and reliability. I would have to give Him my relationships, and trust Him and follow Him to keep them alive.

I would have to give Him the impulsive shopping trips. I would have to give Him my savings account and my paychecks. I would have to give Him every financial decision I make. I would have to give Him my money.

I would have to give Him my idea of perfect. I would have to give Him what I think is the next best move for me. I would have to give Him the selfish moments and righteous moments. I would have to give Him submission and acceptance and service. I would have to give Him my marriage.

I would have to give Him my glory. I would have to give Him my recognition and affirmation and acknowledgement. I would have to give up my own grip on my life and all it’s details and hand them over to the one who deserves it anyway.

If I truly wanted to give Jesus everything, I would have to give up my life. It’s the least I could give for His life in payment for mine.

Bless my soul for crying out for me. Bless the Holy Spirit for its wordless groaning and urges to awareness.

I want to challenge you to listen to yourself. Be aware of the way the Holy Spirit is groaning through you. Be aware of what your soul is crying and listen to it. Ask Jesus what it means. Tune in to your heart.